‘Dad’

Dad

 

This was always going to be something I wrote about so it seems fitting that I do it on Father’s Day! My dad was (and is) someone that may not be a household name but he was well known locally. He has been called a ‘pioneer’, a ‘trail blazer’ and many other inspiring things. But to me he was my best friend. He bailed me out when I was in trouble, loaned me money when I was potless, gave me advice on my life and career, provided child care for my little girl and many more things. We never fell out (not that I can remember anyway!) which was probably down to both of our laid back personalities at the time. 

His job took up a massive part of his life so I remember thinking, if I want to be closer to him, I need to take a more active role in football. It was my way of trying to get to know my dad better, and it worked! 

We travelled to many games together (2-3 a week) and discussed so much during those long car journeys. Topics included family, music, football (of course), cars, money, the future, the past and so on. 

All with a background of Frank Sinatra, Dennis Brown, John Legend or a bit of Bob Marley. I had some of my best times, laughing and joking during those car trips. It’s funny, because I remember the smallest details, like dad moaning at me for staying in the middle lane of an empty motorway, ‘y’all right’ he used to say. Then followed by a, ‘get over’!! 

And, when he used to drop me off at the barrier of Burton Waters (where I used to live). I would say ‘drop me here, save you coming all the way round’. He’d say ‘you sure?’. Then I’d get out (taking a handful of pic n mix that he always had in his car) say ‘love you dad’ and walk back to my house. I loved that walk. It was so peaceful. I’d call him when I got in, ‘you back yet dad’ to which he’d reply ‘just turning up pal, speak tomorrow. Thanks’. 

 

When he passed away I remember thinking, I will NEVER get over this! My heart was broken. 

 Saying good bye in the hospital was one of the most difficult things I have ever done (carrying his coffin at his funeral being the other). But with each day that passes I feel less sad and more appreciative of the 28 years I had with him in my life. 

I’m lucky I have magnificent close family & friends who helped me cope. Especially my girlfriend, she was amazing and I owe her a lot! Times like that you find out who should be in your life and who shouldn’t. 

 

It’s 3 and a half years on now and although I no longer see a counsellor to help me grieve, I feel in a better place. I’m lucky to have the life I have but my dad is probably up there knowing that I still beat myself up because I expect so much more from my existence. When I’m frustrated at my progress (which is often)  I still hear him saying ‘son, you’re always too hard on yourself, you’re doing well’….. ‘Relax’. 

 

I have not said this much, but I partly blame football for my dad’s early passing. The pressure, the stress, having to constantly prove yourself. It takes it’s toll and even though there’s no medical link to those things and how he died, that’s what I feel. 

 

The silly thing is now I’m inside the world of professional football I have the irrational thought that one day it may do the same to me. 

 

But just like my dad, I love my job and want to provide a better life for my family so I take the chance……. That’s football.